Friday, April 13, 2007

A week at the gym

Here's a nice forwarded e-mail story that's worth (I think) to send around.  But I think I'd rather post it here.  Don't forget to read my reply to the sender....



Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!  Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!  Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!  It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning. And when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.  She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.



Dear Jayne and friends,




My conclusion about gyms;


1st. they give it to you in a nice cute-looking package like Belinda.

Then they sell you the 'no pain, no gain' propaganda.


If at 40 you don't need the gym, at 65 you don't need it either...

You can live to 95 just walking around the block daily,

Just try not to step into any monsoon drain

Or into the road before an on-coming vehicle.

Carry an umbrella (not the folded type)

It serves as rain/sun shelter,

Weapon against dogs or would-be robbers.

Or walking stick

Or hook up aluminium cans from drains (they sell for 7cents a piece)

Never waste your time and money going to a gym....


Hopefully none of you runs a gym.

If you do, don't forward this.




  1. that is so exaggerated la.
    they don't treat people like that in one week training coz they want you sign up a membership after that.

  2. Naaah...I enjoyed that because we don't need gyms where we live. I've heard of local gyms run by really unprofessional people. They consist of partners who quarrel among each other and close down too soon. But really, except for competition body builders, who needs all those biceps?

  3. macho man, to scare off people by the look. ghaahha

  4. 'macho'? In the looks dept maybe. But in the action dept.... I've worked with some of them. They don't impress me at all.

  5. haha I enjoyed this one. Gym is like a must thing in LA, if you say you don't go to gym or workout on a daily basis, these people look at you as if you are an outcast or something. In fact, I think gyms are over-rated not to mention overpriced. Men like to get buff to attract the opposite, or well maybe in this day and age, the same too. A few others hit the gym because they can't go outdoor to play some good old-fashioned sports. Some just go to gym in hopes to catch a date. Some do it for health reasons which I think is great, but some gym rats are scary and intimidating... psychologically I think they are insecure and constantly lifting weights to try to prove something to somebody hehe

  6. There's a reason for having a gym in certain places. Living in a four season country, i finally understand how the gym works for certain people. When the weather is freezing cold in winter the only place a person can exercise properly is in a gym. When the weather is blazing hot in the summer with the risk of heat exhaustion, the gym comes in handy.

  7. Frankly speaking, to each his/her own wherever one is. I just love the humor in the above e-mail. Maybe the situation existed, but to create some humor the situation was exaggerated.
    Anyway, for me, I love things simple.

  8. i does sound funny how the writer pictured the whole week. i have some friends in KL who signed up for a fitness first just for the sake of glamour and showing off that they are able to afford it. they ended up only going once a twice a month. and it was too commercialised with the whole gym theme.... anyway this is just my own opinion. i would rather spend the sunday morning walking in the botanical gardens with my family. :)

  9. in fact, my dance teacher said, doing workout in a gym that well-equipped with air-cond is no good for our health..when u sweat n get air-cond cold air the next, it is easier to contract with germs n virus in the air..

    ya, i have a friend too, she asked y not i join fitness centre, instead of going to a single dance class with almost the same amount of money..however, she's paying monthly fee for fitness first, but sometimes not even go once a month...;)

  10. I'd prefer to join a martial arts or yoga class. Something like Tai-Chi is great for body co-ordination, meditation and it's low risk of injury. At least they're not as mind-numbing as lifting dumb bells or running in a single spot like a hamster.

  11. One thing I like about gym is, I can run like a hamster with no scorching sun above, no need to put on sun protection, no dusty air, no engine hums, no need to watch out for bad people, music in my ears, water bottle and towel hanging on the machine and all the others like wallet and hp are safely kept in the locker, not in my pocket which will bounce when I run and keep pulling down my pants.~

    I've quit Fitness First in January. Now if I want to go to the gym room or sauna in the condo, I'll have to have a master card which I don't, and keep watching over my bag if I jog around basketball court.
    Or I have to check time with SS so that we can go jogging at Cyberpark together. Things kept in the car.

  12. The car is the most unsafe place in the world.
    For city dwellers, better go to the gym rather than the park. Even Croc Dundee would feel uncomfortable in our parks. Can't go jogging with a knife hanging on his hip...