Sunday, June 17, 2007

Father Knows

The day when I first left home my Pa almost made me cry.  I had chosen to leave for Singapore to work in a plywood factory.  We had very little employment options back home then, but Pa did not approve.  He wanted me to stay on the farm.  But I saw no future in it.  I saw no future anywhere for that matter, but Singapore offered a first step towards my independence.  I couldn't see very far from the bottom of my well.  And it was suffocating me.

Pa was unapproachable when he was younger and I was a confused young man with very poor sense of direction where my career and future were concerned.  And I was equally poor at communication skills.  It was especially bad when it came to communicating with Pa.  We just couldn’t discuss anything face to face.  I used to get angry both with him and myself.  I asked Ma if she thought I could ask Pa to sign approval for my passport.  Ma acted as my ambassador.  She could read his moods better.  She said that he would not.  Ma had always been our go-between.  So I had to wait for my time until I was old enough to get my passport on my own. 

 When I attained my legal age of freedom at twenty-one, I celebrated it by applying for my passport on that very same day.  I felt that I couldn’t live my life hemmed in by so many restrictions.  I had to leave and go somewhere and get a taste of live all on my own.  He couldn’t realize that I needed to find my own niche in life, just as he did when he was my age.  He couldn’t understand that I needed to chart my own course.  Or so, I thought.  

 Pa didn’t say a word while I made my preparations.  As always, he kept his distance and made no comments.  At times he'd mention indirectly about us to Ma that since we're not heeding his advice, he might as well say nothing.  But before I left the house with my bags he suddenly broke his silence and said to me, “If you find it hard out there, just come home.”   I just nodded.  There was a rock in my chest which I couldn't get rid of until I got on the train.

 It took me until years later when I became a father myself that I realized father’s love was always there, no matter what happened and no matter how unemotional or inscrutable he appeared to be, and in spite of what he said in anger.  That anger was mostly caused by the concern and anxiety that he felt for his bungling kids.  It's been there ever since we took those first baby steps when we learned to walk.  Or when we first got onto that bicycle and tried to stay on it.  He did feel hurt when we fell.  But that's not why we didn't climb trees when he was around.  We feared that cane in his hand.  His heart would weep when we cry but he would not show it on his face.  We only saw his anger.

 But I guess Pa finally knew he had to let go or I'd never grow.  Over the years I'd seen the perpetual frown on his face gradually fading, eventually to be replaced by the ever widening smile whenever we went home for a visit no matter how brief.  He must have realized he’d done it right.

 Here’s to you, Pa.

18 comments:

  1. it's hard to be parents.. great entry!

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  2. My father's the same. I can only remember a handful of conversations and no gesture of affection. My father doesn't seem to know how to show it. If I want a hug, I have to go and get it. Over the years, I learned to appreciate what is most important: that in a world full of betrayals, him being there solid and true is enough.

    Here's to all the great dads in the world, including yours and you. ^_^

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  3. happy father's day, papa!
    you've always been tolerate with us and by our side when we need anything. i know i've always been a stubborn girl, wanted to be independent but still need help from u n mama. i hope i'm on my right path now...
    thanks for everything, papa!

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  4. I'm sure you are. Just follow your heart.

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  5. It's actually quite easy.
    For a mother, the hard part is getting up in the night to feed & change diapers.
    For a father, it's keeping the 'wolf' from the door.

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  6. that's the hardest things in the world

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  7. ya ya.. i understand mother part.. but nowadays father also wake up at night to get diaper changes. And mother also help to keep "wolf" from the door. :P

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  8. i want to hug father but just can't do it. Shy ler...

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  9. that's why I said that's the hard part...

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  10. We're Asians. We just don't do that as soon as childhood is over. But in our time, we don't even get to do that as kids...

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  11. Dear brother, I agree with you, and I feel the same thing too........

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  12. And to you...
    How was the gathering with AIMST bloggers?

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  13. family is the best, most precious assets anyone could have..
    DO cherish them,everyone.... b4 it;s too late...
    there are times wherby u cant understand the reason of their ( parents) action..
    LOOK DEEPER>>> u'll find the answer.. juz stand in their shoes.. then eventually u'll know..
    ha.. 1 yr outside living independently... i getting to grow my love for family.. ( it;s norm )
    DUN EVER HIDE UR EMOTION>> EXPRESS THEM>> tell them u love them..

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  14. Soon we will all experience the same

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  15. Hey, a bit like the advert between the father and his daughter and thanks to Digi (was is?) family feud was solved. Things could have been different if everyone had a hand-phone then ya?. Looks to me like your case is a father who over-loved his children just like the Selina movie.

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  16. I haven't been watching TV for quite a while. No family feud here though. Our's was the old traditional generation gap; the difference between a father's hopes and a son's dreams. I came to understand (with better education) that we can't live our dreams through our children. We just wake them up and let them chase their own dreams...

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